Dreary
I’m listening to : Hurt by Christina Aguilera
I really should be sleeping. But I’m not.
My second week into my fifth semester in this college is already proving to be wearisome. It’s all to dreary and all too familiar now – So much that I really just want to stay out of the circle. Then again, WHAT circle? I suppose the bitching, the unnecessary hatred, the high-school-esque ‘cliques’ and trying each their level best to fit in with the crowd – has just become too tiresome to keep up with.
Nothing has been the same for a while now. The U2 semester with the U2 Team was the last semester I actually enjoyed my time in college. It felt productive, and I felt useful albeit being used by others. But we all end up hungering for more and at the end of the day, none of it is ever enough to make you feel like an actual substantial person in the lives of anyone or in my case, in my field of profession. I’m always wanting more, but most of the time unwilling to give to obtain or rather, fulfill my desires.
I’m being such a pessimist. But like the rest of the inhabitants of Planet Earth, I just want to be accepted too sometimes – In my field, that is. They say you ought to take a step back to smell the roses. Well where the heck are these roses anyway?
I’m sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn’t do
And I hurt myself
By hurting youe
- Christina Aguilera
Six more semesters including the current. Chances of me leaving for the States in less than three (semesters) = 50%. This song speaks to me.
I should go to bed.
Track
After a four-year hiatus and a long hour of persuasion by my sister, I’m back on the track.
4.06k.m. today(Runkeeper is a joy), though I mostly walked and only lightly jogged the last four-hundred metres. But coming from a four-year zero-exercise streak, I’m surprised I did not flatline after that last 400m. I’m going to be crying trying to walk up the stairs tomorrow.
//edit
26/6/2011 15:39
I’m surprisingly fine! To add to the miracle, the injury in my back until my thigh is 70% less painful today than it’s been for the last month. Exercise is a wonder.
Old Blighty
I have the best housemates, neighbors and friends in the world. I have the best boyfriend I could ask for. I’m pursuing what I love. I have the best family in the world. I never have to worry about money. I live comfortably in a cozy white room I furnished myself, with a view overlooking the mansions of Bukit Tunku. I have it all.
Yet… Nothing’s moving, and I don’t want to be here.
We’ve came to a settlement on the matter years ago, but I cannot lie and pretend I’m happy. I miss Kensington to a fault. I yearn for the breeze and the smell of the Hyde Park greens. I haven’t been home in nearly four years now.
London, when will we meet again?
Backfire
I needed to cry.
About half a year ago after a row with who I used to think was my ‘soulmate’, I promised myself never to cry over anything anymore. And earlier yesterday when I really needed to, I could not. I tried it all – The music, reminiscing, lights off – only to snap back into my I-must-not-cry conscience after a tear or two.
On one hand, I contained myself so well over the last couple of months. On the other hand, an immense amount of anguish was building up inside. I wish I could decide which was the better choice.
I ended up letting the waterworks flow anyway. I wish I could tell you I felt the immediate relief, but I did not; That came an hour late.
I guess I’ve just been so caught-up with feeling stuck and stagnant in the progress aspect. But I’m beginning to see a hint of light. And I miss my father’s stories and advice.
Wistful
I’m listening to : Piano Sonata No.8 “Pathetique” by Ludwig Van Beethoven
Feeling suffocated and trapped, I look for light.
I’ve been feeling stuck in a wrong era for as long as I can remember. I yearn for home, for Old Blighty and her touch of quaintness, for all that I belong with. Perhaps I will never be comprehended.
Been too busy to be sidetracked, but now I go back to dreaming of my cottage in the midst of my flowers, the twist of rain in the morning air, waking up to the morning blooms…
I’ve missed England. It’s been more than three years. Never been a city girl, never will be.
Sigh.
In the fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
I’m listening to : Come Away With Me by Norah Jones
I was struggling to juggle a few MSN conversations when I decided to just stop replying for a bit and turn on Norah Jones. Some find her overplayed, some find her overrated. I really like her voice and musical style. I blog with her songs in the background pretty often.
I particularly love this one – Come Away With Me.
Makes me yearn and long for someone, so that I can ask for him to come away with me.
Just a temporary thirst.
–
Thinking About You reminds me of an ex-boyfriend, for some reason I cannot put my finger on. Perhaps it was because I listened to quite a bit of Norah Jones when we were together.
Stirs up all these mellow tangled-heartstrings warmth in me.
–
Sunrise and its jolly bass line reminds me of Annie and our bubblier, more carefree days.
Gets me reminiscing about our first semester mornings – Getting dressed and me giving my point of view on her outfit. Stuff like that.
–
Those Sweet Words sort of brings me back to the Groove Junction nights. I think I listened to this one almost every post-Groove Junction midnight blog entries.
Very delightful sense of contentment here.
–
More Than This – Another one reminding me of the same ex-boyfriend I mentioned earlier. I’d play this on one of my Jazz compilation CDs every time we drove back from Pavillion, for some really strange reason I never gave a thought.
I remember playing this from Leong’s iPod in his car while going to The Curve from Pavillion, and it brought back memories. Really funny ones that gives me the giggles.
–
Somewhere Over The Rainbow makes me smile at its whimsicality.
–
When you sail across the ocean of waters
And you reach the other side safely
Could you smile a little smile for me?
‘Cause I’ll be thinking about you
- Norah Jones (Thinking About You)
Death, opting for cremation and the existence of my ‘will’
I’ve been feeling very ‘Me’ and its been very consistent – That’s a very comforting thought, to know that this current persona is here to stay, to know that I’ve finally found ‘Me’.
–
I just spent three hours sitting at the dining table talking to mom and my siblings about death and dying.
I’ve never been one to fear death. The only fear that came associated with death that’s ever plagued my mind was the things I’d want to say but wouldn’t have the chance to again, along with all the things I’ve never gotten to do before I die. I used to be one of them – The rather stereotypical teenage girl who couldn’t wait to ‘end’ her life because it was ‘too painful to bear’. But as I sat at the table after dinner speaking my thoughts about dying, I realized how much that has changed. Of course I don’t want to die! It’s too eary, and there’s so much I want to say and do but haven’t.
There has been deaths surrounding me lately, a number bigger than the usual/average. Death was something I deemed somewhat unfamiliar, like stepping on uncharted foreign ground. Funny how all that changed in just a couple of months. I’ve since found that the only way to deal with the death of a person is to simply become numb. Having said that, though, of late I find myself wondering when is my turn.
When we were younger they’d always tell us to ‘Treat everyone as if they were dying tomorrow”, or “Always show your appreciation for your loved ones because today might be their last”. I only began finding truth in statements like these of late, and though finally finding realization is favourable, I couldn’t help but ask – Am I too late?
That aside, I’ve always had a ‘will’, ever since I was ten. Speaking of which it’s rather disturbing to know that I’ve been plagued by thoughts of death since young age. But yeah, I’ve always had the thought of leaving some ‘guidance’ and ‘support’ to how my things, emotions and even my bleeding funeral should be dealt with. Heck, I even had a list of “Who not to invite to my funeral” stapled on top of my “Who not to allow into my funeral” list, of which I’ve destroyed all evidence of.
I’ve been meaning to update my ‘will’ for quite a while now, but haven’t really been in the right frame of mind at the right time because you really need things like ambience and mood to write stuff like a will.* I’ve been pushing it further and deeper into my to-do list that it’s been completely forgotten, and after last night’s post-dinner talk I was all determined about sitting myself down to update my will and post-death documents after the Week 9(next week) ICAs(Which, I will…hopefully).
*You weren’t really expecting my will to be all about who gets to inherit my huge fortune of 1cent coins right?? I have stupid lists like “Stuff I want to say to…”, letters to immediate family members and those I hold dear to me, and also the most important list of all – Who gets my priceless stuff like my bolster, blanket, iPod, blah, bleh, bluh…
This probably sounds really clichéd and all that but really, how could you be so sure that you’re even going to live through the next week? I guess I finally came to realize how unpredictable (and short) living could be. And no I do not believe in going to ‘heaven’ or ‘hell’ or that “life on earth is only temporary” so once I die I’m just going to get cremated and made into diamonds(more about that in a bit) and the rest of my ashes will be strewn across the Galway/Surrey countryside.
–
So about the being cremated part, I’m actually serious. This is going to sound so silly but I’ve always had the idea that crazy out-of-this-world stuff can sometimes happen e.g. You’re buried and three days later you suddenly decide to wake up and find yourself confined in that little coffin with no water, food and minimal air blah, blah and there is no friggin’ way you can get out!! So I’ve always wanted to be cremated. And ever since, technology has caught up and did you know that your ashes can now be turned into diamonds?? I’m not being materialistic here because diamonds made out of your ashes are worthless and the only reason why I’d want that would be so my immediate family would have something to remember me by besides all the nonsense like my bolster blah, blah. So yeah that’ll be four pieces of diamonds for Mom, Dad, Steffi and Marcus. And the rest just take a drive to Galway/Surrey, wind down the window and let it fly hahahah. No I’m actually serious.
–
I’m suddenly got in the mood to turn everything into lame jokes so I better leave the rest for another day.
Because it doesn’t get lonely anymore
I was pretty damn sure I’d definitely grab a chance if ever an opportunity like that came along when I wrote this.
But while having a casual chat with Ali and having him ask me if I ever thought of getting one of these guys who’ve been swarming around to consider a casual relationship – Casual, not sexual – with lots of space, I found myself saying, “Yes of course, but then I came to realize that I don’t want anything at all now.”
“Don’t want anything as in you don’t want it because you haven’t found what you’re looking for, or you really don’t want anything?”
“I don’t want anything.” There are a couple that I would’ve loved to give a go at, but no, really, I don’t want anything.
“Feeling more and more detached from the people around?”
“Yeah.”
–
I really don’t care about anyone or things around me anymore. I don’t feel lonely anymore. I don’t hate being lonely anymore.
And apparently that is a bad thing because then you shut the whole world out and when you don’t need friends or people to function anymore, you’re going to die a bitter old womanhahah kidding.
When I was desperate for company, I was way too egoistic to actually ask someone for just that – Company. Now I’m just numb to the surroundings. Which I guess, against Ali’s beliefs, could be a good thing.
Dalliance
I’ve been turning all of you down because I’m not looking to get committed to anyone. I’m not looking for compromises to make, or time to spare.
Sometimes, though, loneliness can get a little tiring. Sometimes spending the entire week on your own can turn blissful peace and quiet into something that comes close to losing your mind. Sometimes despite being a loner most of the time, I come to realize that I love my lone time more than any other girl, but I still don’t want to be lonely.
So then you start looking for company. “Any company at all is good,” you tell yourself. But no, you’re too picky. Too shallow, cannot. Too naive, cannot. Too possessive, cannot. Too affectionate, cannot. So how?
I used to go all “Yuck, eeew, how can you do that?” at dalliances, aka casual relationships or even ‘harmless’ flirting. But when you’re young and free and sometimes just want some company, what harm can it do as long as the other party understands that it’s all for the company? Given that you don’t go over the limit and take “Friends with benefits” with a tiny if not non-existent pinch of salt.
I’m not one to believe in this thing they call ‘love’, but I do believe that as much of a loner that I can be, I still want and moreover need well, company. I’m not one to believe that you have to be in ‘love’ to be in a relationship. Sometimes I search desperately for the (near) perfect accompanist, but being picky doesn’t exactly help very much. And sometimes, in all that longing for someone who will take away that lonesomeness, I resort to the people close to me, the people who know me and who’d never expect anything but friendship – I get more touchy with a cousin, clingy with a best friend, ‘flirty’ with a common friend… with no intentions of leading any one of ‘em on.
I’ve conceded to the truth of all these things – Because I really have nothing to hide anymore. I don’t know if all of this is normal but I reckon it is. It’s just been a rather lonesome month and a half since the semester began. I don’t just feel but KNOW that I’m losing touch with the old people, maybe besides Ali who still is my conscience, as in I stopped feeling the loss of them having other priorities, and I no longer get angered by cancellation of plans to hang-out or anything like that. That’s just nature – Like it or not, people come and go. On top of it all, life goes on.
Perhaps I’ve said too much. After all, it’s past midnight and I’m starving because my last meal was yesterday’s breakfast, and a little paranoid about the Midori I ‘consumed’ earlier yesterday would give me a little hangover(I actually had it in the afternoon but you know how you get paranoid about these things after certain *cough* experiences). Oh well.
Tata.
–
I mean sometimes I just want someone to hold on to.
Bum
It puzzles me to why we do these things to ourselves.
We ‘fall in love’ – And get our hearts broken.
We get hungry – Yet we’re too lazy to move so we’d rather stay hungry and get gastric.
We put ourselves out there all the time – Yet, we get no return.
All these little things of daily life. So what is it that we live for?
Or in this case, what do I live for? I still struggle to find that perfect answer.
I’ve never felt like a bum until now. Having only three subjects this sem and so much free time is driving me out of my mind.
I’m hungry.
–
But I don’t want to move.
–
I should pick up a hobby. That doesn’t cost a fortune like taking pictures. I have a blog category named “Hobbies&Pastimes” that you don’t see on my sidebar because there are zero entries under that category. Since music has become “School/Work” now, what’s the hobby?
So I can keep on dreaming
I’m listening to : Only God Knows Why by Kid Rock
After an energetic and somewhat good day, I’ve been reduced to nothing but weary.
I’m taking the night off. Away from reading, practicing, analyzing. Away from everyone else. This weariness hits you like a bullet, you don’t even see it coming. I don’t even feel like singing along to iTunes tonight. And it’s barely nine o’clock.
–
I’m listening to : Like The Sun by RyanDan
I gave it a thought – about why I’m so fast to turning people down when I really should be giving them time and an actual chance. Am I being cruel? I feel the outright need to turn relationship opportunities away, so that I don’t get carried away and forget about my priorities.
I want to feel loved, be loved, and to actually love. Of course I’d like to have all that. But I don’t want the inconveniences and consequences that comes with it – I don’t want to compromise my time that I can spend doing so much more, I don’t want to be ‘tied-down’, I like my room being off-limits except to the very few. I like boundaries. I like keeping boundaries. Choices have to be made, and I choose to give the former up than to compromise with the latter.
That, and how would I know if you’re worth all the compromise I’d be making if you were? Please don’t waste your time and effort. I’m not going to be convinced either way.
To you, you, you and you,
Call me self-centered, and I’m sorry, but please don’t hit on me constantly and make things difficult. I’m too selfish to ever let anything happen. Cheers to being friends 
How I wish, how I wish you were here
So I’m sitting on my swivel chair, staring at what’s left of the white walls around me that isn’t covered with posters, in shallow thought of nothing. Then it came on iTunes.
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail
A smile from a veil
Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts
Hot ashes for trees
Hot air for a cool breeze
Cold comfort for change
And did you exchange
A walk on part in a war
For a lead role in a cage
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here.
…and I couldn’t help but be reminded of the ‘older days’ of last semester. Annie, myself, Misagh, Ali… Before it all. Before the big change came along, the change that was for the better anyway. This Pink Floyd piece never fails to remind me so much of Misagh, and all of us back then, before the new people came into our lives and changed it forever.
How things have changed.
A Change Has Come
There’s been a little bit of change in my life of late.
I try taking the initiative to wear something other than the normal tee-jeans-sneakers, I actually smile at people now(or so said Ann), I try to be friendlier to new people, my hair is no longer in my face, and I’ve actually been practicing(though it could use even more sessions). My appetite has also changed, into something a quarter of what it was last semester. Soon, a change in lifestyle has to come through – Sleep late less, wake up early more, exercise daily.
Despite all the good changes I’ve been making, I still feel the absence of a certain something that I just can’t seem to put my finger on.
I really want to know, and get it fixed. Otherwise, my ‘personal wellbeing’ will always be caught in one stage and not move/progress. Argh what is it?!?
In 2009, I…
2009 came along with many decisions, both big and small, that I had to make. To be perfectly honest, I don’t remember half of these decisions I’ve made and the impact it made on my life, but I know for sure that I wouldn’t have it any other way even if I could do it all again. Okay maybe I would’ve tweaked a little here and there but you get the drift.
But here are a few (note I said few) highlights and nonsense of what the year 2009 has brought and meant to me. In 2009, I…
Got my first job – And learnt that it really isn’t fun or nice at all; So I quit after a month HAHAH
Got kicked out of home and to the city to live on my own – And learnt so much from people who come from such diverse backgrounds and walks of life.
Enrolled in music college – And have no qualms or regrets.
Learnt that jazz is not “New Orleans Nightfall” in ABRSM Grade 5 Piano exam – And am still struggling to play jazz. But I’ll get there one day!
Fell in love with Joss Stone – And never looked back ever since.
Made new friends whom I’ll treasure for the rest of my life – You know who you all are
Betrayed Adidas – And got my first pair of Converse sneakers. But they’re not comfy like Adidas Superstars! 
Stayed out of trouble and drama for the entire year!
Got into a very comical relationship – And though it was short-lived, it was undoubtedly sweet while it lasted; and ended on a mutual, good note. It’s given me some really comical memories that never fails to make me giggle at the thought of it.
Found out that I have no talent in flirting – Enough said, but I’m not complaining! Less flirting = No drama 
Got my hair highlighted for the first time – And I’m vowing to try-out more daring colours next time around.
Got my first (official) pair of high heels – And still haven’t began practicing how to walk in ‘em.
Developed this new disease, Shopaholicism – And it ain’t good!
Finally got over something that has been a plague for too long now – And haven’t felt better since.
Got tipsy on Apple Martini – But I’m really not that bad anymore. Or so I’d like to think :/
Had my um, ‘first kiss’ – No elaboration needed, I believe 
Started wearing contact lenses – And I wanna try coloured ones!
Continued my love-hate relationship with the piano – And it’s still ongoing.
…will continue this some other time. The whole New Year blog entry thing, who said it can’t be done after the 31st right? I mean I’d rather write better ’09 entries throughout the month of January than crappy forced ones like this. Because I’m watching Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull – for the love of Shia LaBeouf! Yes, he is still very much my first love and husband <3
I drove through crazy traffic to be home with my flat screen TV and Mutt Williams.
// I’ve decided to stay with WordPress
The still moonlight, sad and beautiful
It has been too long.
So I finally searched it on my iTunes, and made a double-click.
So here I am, solemn yet slightly melancholic, emotions ever-so-raw all stirred-up, listening to my favourite version of Claire de Lune – where the melody line is played by a good number of strings.
I’ll never be able to put into words – and you’ll never understand – just how raw and so-very-tangled this thing that’s running through me at this very second can get. It drives me to the brink of insanity.
Time to switch songs now. Ladies in Lavender it is. Another very emotionally-driven one; oh of course, it’s Joshua Bell.
Amiss
I’m listening to : Sadis by Afgan
My bed is all made; Green, and the quilt-filled comforter puffy. Yet I really don’t feel like diving into the duvet tonight.
Something’s missing.
And I’m too lazy to write so I’m gonna continue chatting with Cliff. G’night!
Dear blog #P1 : Finding Love
Dear blog,
It’s been a while since I’ve written something very heartfelt and sincere, since I talked to you. I haven’t been able to bring myself to speak with you, neither have I been able to bring myself to write in my purple ‘happy’ journal, because happy is not what I have been.
Yet earlier tonight, I felt this strange sweep of emotions – very out of the ordinary, and very raw; that kept lightly urging me to speak with you. So instead of heading to bed early (because I planned to rise at six tomorrow), I decided to give tomorrow’s morning run a miss, got my computer in the room, sat my arse down and here I am, writing.
I was on MSN with Annie when the strange wave of emotions um, ‘fleeted’ pass my subconscious mind. We were talking about Christmas presents, and I was telling her about how my brother got my sister and shopaholic of a cousin to pick out something from Zara – something that would suit the leather jacket Ali got me from the same store a couple of days ago. I was telling her about the birthday+Christmas presents that I already know of – The leather jacket, the leather laptop tote, and now something mysterious that would ‘suit my leather jacket’.
I was excited and jumpy as a little girl – I always am about certain quirky things – about these new things that I would put to use almost all the time in my daily life, that I would… To cut the long story short, I was excited like a kid would be upon buying stationeries for their first time in school.
How could I have glared my life in its face, with eyes full of angst that I brought on myself? I have people who genuinely care about how I’ve been doing and coping, people who show it materialistically, and people who show it otherwise. How long have I been overlooking all these things?
Yet, I cannot say that I’m perfectly fine, happy and dandy now. The sadness(I refuse to use any other word like pain, agony etc hahah) still visits once in a while but I will pull through and I’ll live -___-
Looking back, I cannot help but wonder what it would’ve been like if I hadn’t lost control of myself that year. What could’ve been if I hadn’t pushed certain people away when they tried to help; What could’ve been if I didn’t let my parents down the way I’ve always done; What could’ve been if I hadn’t drove you away when you were the only one who stood by me through everything, like you stand by the ones you love ’till today – though I am no longer one of them. Would things be different, and would we have spent our secondary school years growing up together?
That’s one question I never will have the answer to.
I’m sorry, my much-loved blog, I’ve digressed. It’s just that, I haven’t felt that way about anyone ever since – not until recently, but things didn’t really work out the way I wanted it to. I just cannot help but wonder, really, if I’ll ever feel the same – if not stronger, about someone again. That, and if until today I have yet to completely let go and erase this “soft spot” I still hold for that someone, how long will it take for me to let go of this new bud? Hah. I cannot believe I’m admitting all of this.
I have no luck with love, or whatever they name/call it. But that’s okay – I’m barely eighteen and I have plenty of time for that later, right?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
- A Fine Frenzy
Not right. Not until recently, anyway. Luckily, I am not one who cannot live without this ‘love’ they speak about – I am not talking about the love you see in families, or anything like that, I speak of the too-conventional theme of love we hear and watch all the time. Even luckier, I have finally found love, my definition of it anyway. It came in a form of a very sexy young British bohemian named Joss Stone. And she’s got soul. A lot of it.
Through her, I find the inspiration and motivation that drives me with determination to do what she does to me – to others(well, hopefully, anyway). She might not be the general public’s cup of tea, might not be appreciated for the things I appreciate her for, but she gives me sanctuary – something like what you give me, but a little more(I am sorry!) – through her music, not her style lah, damnit people!
So I found it. I find love through music. It is my voice when I cannot speak. And this, is my priority, and it’s going to be for a very long while now.
I finally found what I’ve been looking for; the rest can wait. Or suit themselves.
Much love always,
Sam.
// P.S. This is the first ever ‘Dear blog’ entry I’m making public, so I hope you enjoyed it.
(Untitled)
Verse 1:
I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe
With you tonight
I fall weak, weak on my knees
And I weep, ’till my own disguise
Comes to rob me of my
Bridge :
Sanity
I want you to stay the night
Hold me close
Let the world walk by
—
And after spending the entire day seated, fighting the backache with the guitar I haven’t touched for a while – I still cannot come up with a suitable chorus.
Well I always knew the first ever song with lyrics I’d come up with would have to do with sappy heartbreaks. Bleh.
The Orange Evening
It didn’t matter if there were three of us. Didn’t matter if a friend of ours were with us. We’re musicians, time alone to us is essential.
She wrote a new song; you serenaded the tinted blue sky on your four-strings while I fell in love all over again. The evening was just too beautiful.
Then the sky turned orange, then *mornie utulie.
*mornie utulie = Darkness has come/came
The songwriter at work
Gone With The Wind (by Carel)
Goodnight, Sentul.
I came to the city and found love
I’m home now. And I wish you were here.
Happy
“Colours. That’s what I’m looking for.”
“Yeaaaah, colours. So is your life now in just black and white?”
“No, but in limited colours. Oh you know what else makes me happy? Colourful things. Stars in the sky make me happy, but also emo, hmm. Having extra money in my wallet makes me happy. The fact that I’m in ICOM studying music, and I own a MacBook Pro makes me happy. Dinner with my family makes me happy. Listening to Colbie Caillat makes me happy. Looking at photographs of Europe and imagining I’m there makes me happy. Lights at night, that makes me happy. A vacation makes me happy.”
“Hmm, so many things.”
“Yeah, and you know what makes me really happy? Dreaming about flying. It’s my ultimate childhood dream. To fly. You know how I fly? It’s like swimming when you kick and instead of going forward in the water I float towards the ceiling. Then I pick up speed and it’s hard to control, I have to control in order not to bump into the fan, or the lights. And people cannot get me because they cannot fly, only I can.”
(laughs)
“Oh and the thought of living in LA, no I actually want to live in Denmark before I retire but the whole industry is in LA so… Yeah the thought of walking down the streets of LA, walking pass or dining in all those Al fresco cafes. Yeah, open-aired cafes make me happy.”
“Hmm.”
“Oh and you know what makes me really, really happy? The fact that we’re going to Genting this weekend and have a week-long break next week after this crazy week.”
“Yeah.”
“Oh oh and you know what else makes me really happy? If Hayden Christensen asks me to marry himDreaming about becoming a mermaid. It’s another childhood dream.”
“But why? You’re afraid of the ocean.”
“One of the main reasons why I’m afraid is because everything that’s in there, is faster than me. I don’t like anything that’s faster than me in the water.”
“Why? They’ll eat you?”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Hmm, you, a mermaid… with a tail made out of jeans and your endless black t-shirts.”
“Hey!! At least I won’t be wearing seashells.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Oh and you know what makes me the happiest right now?”
(pause) “What?”
“The fact that right now, I’m sitting here on the roof with you, looking at the city beautifully lit-up, telling you about everything that makes me happy.”
He smiled.
“So now you’re either these two things. You’re either happy that there’s actually so much you can be happy about, or emo because you don’t have these many things to be happy about.”
(giggle)
Where I Belong
The stage feels like home to me. No adrenaline rush, nothing of that sort. Just pure bliss and comfort. It’s like I belong there. I have my ME time there.
Strange, really.
